Fear...

We all have at least one or two. Some of them are rational like a fear of being kidnapped or what not. Some of them however are not rational as in a fear of all clowns. But no matter what we all have them. Recently our wonderful youth pastor Jake spoke about fears and some that we might have as teenagers. He talked about typical teenage fears and some other fears. And i realized my biggest fear that night.


Last summer on our churches way to church camp i sat by a girl named Tanya. We talked practically the whole way there and got to know eachother and i could see a relationship growing.
A few weeks later i was at wednesday night church and one of the prayer requests was for Tanya. And my regroup leader later informed us that she was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
She had been at school and was haveing a horrible headache. Then one thing led to another and she was on her way to the hospital. When i heard this i was shocked. It scared me that we had just become friends and she was sick like this now. We went and visited her in the hospital and she seemed so sick but she wouldnt let anyone know she was in pain. It was kinda hard for me.

Last November my aunt was diagnosed with brain cancer. After loosing an uncle i was heartbroken. And absolutley terrified for my mom. I knew how hard it was for her when my uncle passed away and now. She has always been so strong and i was worried that i would let her down by being weak and being upset about the situation. So i acted like it wasnt happening. She coped well but anytime i was away from anybody i would cry. I didnt feel like there was anyone i could turn to to talk about it. I was to scared to get close to anyone because everyone it felt like was getting sick. And up until Wednesday night i was still scared. In a way i lost everyone that used to be close to me. They were still close but i didnt want to tell them about anything that was bad in my life. I didnt mind hearing theyre problems and comforting them but i didnt want to show any weakness at all. And after a while it was not only my mom that i was trying to be strong for but everyone around me. I could not would not let them know i was hurt. Even physically it got to the point where i didnt want people to know if i was in pain. I finallly gave that up though. On wednesday i just went up to Christene and told her all of it. She prayed for me and i cried the whole time. And it felt good to not have to carry all of it anymore. I realize im going to have to start over in finding the people i want to trust to tell especially after we move. But im glad it all happened this way.